Last Christmas

Last Christmas, we watched a forgettable movie at vivocity and had dinner at our favorite restaurant. She was not happy when I told her I will be in HK for a conference in Jan'07. She sulked and that spoiled the Christmas dinner. We finished our dinner quietly and left early because she wanted to return home.

She brighten up on the way to the bus stop, wanting to be with me longer. However, my xmas cheers was gone and was not in the mood to response. I did not bring myself to think how to turn the occasion to be better. It was the start of the downhill of our relationship from there.

Next time, maybe, for whatever the next girl will be, I must be stronger and find out the cause of the sulking and try to make Xmas a season of cheers and forgiveness.

21 more days to 2008

During the unfortunate episode with my last company, a kind anonymous left a note saying there were 3 more month left and things will work out. And things did turn out decent in the job area for me so far. Thank you, kind stranger.

It is 21 more days to 2008 and with it coming will closes one of the most difficult year in my life. And in the meantime, I pray that events will make the closing be better than the beginning in this remaining days.

In a way, the difficult period taught me many lessons about faith, trust and friendship. Of who are my true friends, of how faith is eternal and faithful, of how trust is such a fragile thing that once broken can never be repaired, amened or replaced.

'Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, our kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us today our daily bread. Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one"

BIB 27705 2 hr 16 min

My nipples hurts, a sensation and experience that is new and interesting. Not helping least is the running water makes it tingle and snare. After some thought, the cause points towards the Adidas running shirtlet that I wore for the 21.1km run today. It is the first time I am wearing the official Stanchart shirtlet. And it must be the rubbing against the shirt during the run that cause the abrasion.

Thinking back, sticking 2 $10 notes in my short pockets and leaving the home carrying nothing except what i wear was a reckless and simple-minded way to start the race.

Anyway, the run started at 6.15am and after 2hr 16 min, I finally reached the Finish line. And it is good that my strategy of drinking at every drink stop works. The result of using the mental strength of enduring the pain is my knees hurts when I walk now, so it will be couple of months before I run again.

Come to think of it, I better stick to run that are < 21km

5 Philosophies of Life

An wise kind man send me this.

1)
DON'T LET SOMEONE BECOME A PRIORITY IN YOUR LIFE...
WHEN YOU ARE JUST AN OPTION FOR THEM.....

2)
NEVER CRY FOR ANY RELATION IN LIFE
BECAUSE FOR THE ONE WHOM YOU CRY
DOES NOT DESERVE YOUR TEARS

AND THE ONE WHO DESERVES
WILL NEVER LET YOU CRY.........

3)
TREAT EVERYONE WITH POLITENESS
EVEN THOSE WHO ARE RUDE TO YOU,

NOT BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT NICE
BUT BECAUSE YOU ARE NICE........

4)
NEVER SEARCH YOUR HAPPINESS IN OTHERS
WHICH WILL MAKE YOU FEEL ALONE,
RATHER SEARCH IT IN YOURSELF
YOU WILL FEEL HAPPY EVEN IF YOU

5)
HAPPINESS ALWAYS LOOKS SMALL
WHEN WE HOLD IT IN OUR HANDS.

BUT WHEN WE LEARN TO SHARE IT,
WE REALIZE HOW BIG AND PRECIOUS IT IS! .....

Marina Bay route

Hit the wall around 7 and 8 km mark, my pace slow down considerably and there no drinking point because there no petrol station in the route. Drinking was possible till I reached the new ferry at Marina.

3 more weeks to the actual day.

A good husband

Ethan: Hey Sa, I admire you for deciding to do this for Di.
Sa: ?? What hv I done?
Ethan: For deciding to be a family of 2.
Sa: Aiyah, I though it's something else serious. :P Yr parents will luv u, yr kids will lv u when they grow up, only yr spouse will stay w u till end. We lv God to decides what is gd for us, next sunday is our 6th anniversary Isn't it more worthily to cherish than not having a kid? God has his plan, u never know..

Amen! And very inspirational for mi on how to be a good husband.

Holland V Route

Run this last Thurs, took a wrong turn and reached Holland V. The run is tough and it is only approx 14km. It is about 1 month away from the 21 km. Got to increase my running schedule

Surprising that Dempensy Road is so close to my home that I can reach it by running. And there are so many beautiful secluded houses inside Tanglin Road that it does not feel like I am in Singapore, but inside an English country side.

Honda Civic Type-R

My dream and maybe ..... I like the UK version, it is cute and smart!

For the Japan import

http://www.honda.co.jp/CIVICTYPE-R/

For the official UK spec one
http://www.honda.co.uk/car/

Club Med Bali (19 Oct to 21 Oct)

I wanted to fly away on airplane and on the day when I am one year older, wake up on a different land. And I got my wish, beautiful great white sand and crystal clear blue water welcomed me when I opened my eyes on my birthday. And sweet chirping songs of birds are always are in the background of the fresh clean morning air during my stay there.

And so amazing is the sight of many stars, so many of them and so beautiful against the dark blue night sky. I wished I had my camera there.

On my departure day, I wished I could stay longer and the feeling was reinforced hard when I started work next day.

I glad did this, the time away and far from all that is familiar allows me to feel peace and to relax.
And the trip helped me to found one clue to my recent depression is the familiar surrounding that I called home for too long of my life.

I need a change. I need a change in either my status or my environment. I glad I found the reason. I need to work at it now.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday, Beautiful Invisibles.

Leaving on a Jet Plane

Walking into Changi Airport Terminal 2 bring back memories, seeing the high floor ceiling, the neat row of metal chairs near the entrance, the cool minty conditioned air, the low background noise of people rushing to counters. It was here exactly one year ago where the roller coaster ride of my life started. Then, I was a 5 year senior in a company and loved my girl.

Now, stepping into the terminal, is a < 1 month old junior and single male.

Would I feel better if I stayed in Singapore during my natal day? No, I would not. I have a deep desire to fly away in a jet plane and wake up in a different land.

MOF @ My Izukaya

Last Thur, at MOF (@ Marina Square), E told me I should correct one of my older post that I was referring to my ex and not her when we met up for dinner.

Over nice Japan theme decor and jap rock-pop music, we had soba and tried that the unique white clear Japanese jelly desert that claims to be healthy and good for slimming. The food was too salty for her but was ok for me. It was obvious that she was very angry and annoyed over a lazy work colleague as she shared stories of his bad work behavior and poor quality word.

Beside this, we talked about about apologizing. Her view is it better to hear words of apology then to seeking repent (i.e. desire not to do it again) because repent requires time to verify that it would not happen again.

I agreed with her and I would still require the person to sincerely regret her action and demonstrate repentance when time cames. Because, I believe if one really loves someone, one would not intentionally hurt the person again and word plus action is so much a stronger prove of a person sincerity. And I fill the time till then with conversation where the answer hints on how well the person learn not to do it again.

Must remember this

"I will make my bf speak to me even if he is angry and staying quiet." - Li

With these words , its all came together for me, words from separate people at different time in my life,

"I have a long day today, I cant talk to you now, it will not be fair to you and your company." - S
"I will talk to H later, when both of us cool down and had have calm down." - J
" ...I am tired, i dun want to lose my cool when we talk." - M
Reflections

These words came together in a flash of realization and understanding that the best course of action, during moment of conflict,
is take time out so to cool down,
to think objectivity,
to not let feeling rule the head,
to not speak sharp hurting lies,

And finally able to do mature conflict solving.

Li words make realized not all people will understand this approach and it may be tough going for me if my future partner is like Li. Even if she not like Li, the restarted conversation may take tons of patience and control to learn and find the root of the conflict, the source of the differences.

Fergie - Big girls dun cry

Complex emotions

To feel love, hurt, anger and hope at the same time is simply amazing and confusing. It could be any mix of emotions and to feel a multiple of feelings competing for attention at the same time is simply overwhelming, which make it more difficult to identify and label these emotion.

For else if I don't label them, is how would I know which one is ruling me, and then to objectivity decides the dominating feeling is accurate and valid and whatever it should be a factor in the decision making.

Objectivety (Part 2)

Rereading Objectivety make me realize there is a ambiguity's in what I wrote. To be precise, the ambiguity arose because the question is answering one of two 2 scenario possible. Was the question about;

1) Get into the relationship knowing what I know now as in the relationship never started.
2) Get into the relationship knowing what I know now as begin a 2nd time.

In "Objectively", the answer is more about Scenario 1 than 2. If Scenario 2 ever happens, there is a huge chasm about trust that have to be crossed, even before friendship and mutual respect cames into play.

Reflections

Maybe it is the book that I am reading now, maybe it is the book message that a person repeating behavior serves as a reliable pattern and indicator to his personality and character. And the more I think and reflects on what I could pick up and learn from the last relationship, the more I agreed that E description of it as dodgy to be very accurate.

Also, the book opened my eyes that it is foolish to view angry words as they are spoken calmly and after much deep thought. They are incorrect unless they are consistent with pattern of similar statements. I wonder why I did not realize it earlier that hurt and pain can twist angry words into facts and truths in the mind. I should discount and ignore them when they are spoken in moments of emotions.

It is more accurate to discover a person repeating behavior and manner and then reference it against what is occurring to get a better understanding of the situation is the cause of the deviant behavior or spoken words. Most likely, the common and regular behavior (speech, mannerism) that repeating is the better reference point to understand a person.

End of 1st week

Walking a few meters from my desk, I can sometimes see tiny bum boats traveling away from Esplanade to Clifford Pier from the 25th floor of Millenia tower. Esplanade looks beautiful in the afternoon sun, its static shiny silver triangle dragon scales contrast against the rolling green-blue sea.

The quietness of my surrounding does not help in absorbing the very dry writing of the technical documents for the project I am assigned to. The reading got easier after I figured the map of the document and begins to understand why he structured the document so. Beside reading, this week had been spent coming to term with the banking industry jargon and the company lingo.

The last two days been spent in Suntec conference room (with tea breaks and lunch provided!), listening to the roadmap for the systems to be delivered over the next few years. The planning are explained in terms of countries roll-out and is very international focus. The systems are built by the company development units (DU).

What gives a warmth fuzziness feelings in my body was hearing the boss of these DU explaining that my department must be involved in reviewing and solutioning for large scale or strategy projects. I hope its mean software architectures and planning plays a important role in the success of the company.

Is it reasonable to say that the industry recognition of software architects are due to the hard to enhance systems due to poor architecture and multiple of software systems that together subtract value away from the company?

I starting to have a nice feeling here. Hope the feelings continues as the weeks go by.

First Day at work

After clearing HR procedures, arrived at my office desk and discovered my laptop not here yet. Subsequently, attended a meeting where the Sector Architects presents their Enterprise Architecture for the bank. My role was pretty much doing much listening and absorbing the materials presented.

Heck, this place is well organized and much of the structural problems with biz and technical are discussed publicly and acknowledged. My colleagues sure know their stuff and very technical.

As expected, web emails and IM are blocked by corporate firewall. Looks like I am disconnected from outside world from today onwards. Not looking forward to checking my emails at home often. They finally gave me a temp PC in the afternoon, till my laptop arrives next week.

Iliotibial Band Syndrome (ITBS)

It seem that I need to be do some warm up and stretching to avoid ITBS. I was worried that about knee problem since I started running because of a previous old injury suffered during National Services (NS). Thanks to B and her hubby for advising me on it.

Objectivety

E once asked me what would I do if she my ex came back again, say next year? I could not answer then because my heart wanted her back while my brain says trust lost is hard to regain.

Rephrasing the question, if I know now what I know and I meet her like it is the first time, what would I do? My answer is I will still get into the relationship because her type of personality always attracts me and I still love her even though I am not in love with her now.

Of course, what would I do differently in this time round if I know what I know now? (come to think of it, actually for my future relationships) Be more patient, be mature, to not react but receive blaming words and to draw feelings out and understand them.

Snow Patrol - Chasing Car

Tiny lights against the dark night.

There is something magical and wonderful about the dark starless night staring back as you speed home along the stretch of AYE where the port containers called home.

The emptiness of the Sept night so stark void of any stars except for the sole bright unexceptional round moon holding court over the entire sky. The silent beauty of it, contrast against tiny lights coming from the apartment homes along AYE, is so peaceful and magical for me, a moment in time where I will remember.

Even the street lampost add to the magic, illustrating the emptiness of the road, matching the empty sky. Each stood solitary tall and proudly shining the way home for me. And in the midst of this, somewhere I remember the following words and being to think:

"...The stronger the emotional commitment, the greater the tendency to behave irrationally. This is why counselors usually advise against sexual intimacy until mutual respect, trust and friendship have been well established."

"When you are more concerned about the others' feelings than your own, you teach others to ignore your feelings too. And beware: one of the reasons you haven't raised the issue is that you don't want to jeopardize the relationship. Yet by not raising it, the resentment you feel will grow and slowly erode the relationship anyway."

If respect, trust and friendship are the basic pillar for a good relationship and feelings are the expression of them, what should I do if the other partner is unable to express feeling honestly for whatever reasons. The pillars would not be strong if feelings are not expressed honestly.

My bet to answer the question is in dialogs that are honest and sincere, where focus is in listening and understanding of both party stories, where in the end both accepted each other for who they are.

Queentown Stadium Run (Part 2)

Today, I ran the same route as shown in this previous post. The only change was doing 5 set of 1.2km around the stadium instead of the previous 4 sets. Totaling a distance of (4 + 5 x 1.2 + 4) = 14 km.

Even with preparation by loading up with carbo and water, this is one challenging run, specially the run back to the start point. I am totally exhausted.

The good news is I am consistent with my timing for the 5 sets, which meets the aim of the interval training in the stadium. The runners have to find their pace so that they have similar timing for each of the 3 rounds that make up the 1.2km.

By knowing how run evenly allows the runner to prepare for long distance run so that they dun tire themselves unnecessary in the beginning of the race.

Thursday run will be a 1o km run around Mt Farber.

Gotham Penthouse

The crowd was mostly ladies, all eagerly waiting to watch them perform. To feast their eyes on their six packs, well-defined tight arms and well-rounded bums.

Strangely, the ladies kept a distance away from the stage. But their screams of delights and amazement quickly fills the big clearing in front of stage when they appeared. They danced well, to a mix of 80's songs and MJ. Their routine choreographed to the music, their energy and strength can be seen and felt in their well executed moves. Thou at times, they shows their familiarity with the routine, by executing it a tad ahead of the music.

There are six of them, all tall and well-build, with greek God bodies, except for one odd one. He obviously needs to define his muscle more . However, on 2 separate occasion, he was able to execute several Fouetté followed by a off-balanced pirouette. Together, they are the Gotham Penthouse dancers.

I was there with E after we attended a fashion show at Attica. E was particular endeared with one of them. His wicked thin smile, similar to the smile of Penguin in Batman movies, completes his bad boy image. She was very amused whenever they exposed their black g-string accenting their round buttocks. (I did not know guys can wear g-string until that day). And I was amused to see the ladies screams their lungs out.

Overall, the show was clean fun, there are suggestive provocative sexual overtones but they do not cross over into indecency.

Interlude

Lord, the day when lady boss informed about predecessor coming back was the day I went for an interview with my next company. And in the 2nd interview with the HR manager, the preparation I made for another interview, allow me to answer her question easily. The sequence of events is too premeditated and too a intentional for me to not to believe You are there, watching over me.

I found peace in my heart in Your Presence during this period of turmoil. Thank you Lord, for giving me peace and calm to do my final tasks professionally. Lord, it is your Grace and Blessing that I am so quickly is employed again. I praise you, Lord. For being with me, for bringing me back to You. Lord, let me feel your presence always. I pray this in Jesus name. Amen.

5 languages of Apology

"You can't find a long term relationship without apologizing."
"...deal with our failures in a effective way, accepting responsibility for our behavior."
- Gary Chapman.

There are truth in those words above, apology is necessary for any long term relationship, be it work or life related. In the audio conversation about the 5 Languages of Apology, he explains different people requires different type of apology to feel that they have been apologized to. The 5 languages are:

1) Expressing regret : I am hurting because I hurt you.
2) Accepting responsibility : I was wrong.
3) Making amends : What can I do to make up for you.
4) Repent : Desire not to do this again.
5) Requesting forgiveness: Asking for forgiveness.

For me, a true apology will involves elements of 1, 3 and 4. Doing 3 and 4 covers 2 for me and I would not expects a person to do 5 because it is hard for me. More significantly, knowing the concept of 5 languages of apology frees me from expecting the apology language I need, its allows me to understand the type of apology a person can give. To know a person apology languages requires a journey of sincere exchange of understanding and remembering how the person apologies.

Of course, nothing beats the ring of true sincerity in apologizing, authentic sincerity truly start the opening of door to forgiveness.

ps: Interestingly, Gary Chapman have another book on languages of love which begs for me to seek and read. Stay tuned!

Labrabor Park Run

We started off late, behind the main group. When we reached Labrabor Park, we were puzzled and surprised that we did not encountered the main group as we run. Finally, we joined up with them when I discovered the main group was running a different route. We joined them and finished off 2 circuits. This time time run, a min of 8 km + 2 unknown circuits

Labrabor Park is interesting place, with a eating places and long sea front, with a cooling sea breeze.

Mt Farber Loop

Starting from Mt Farber Clubhouse and loop 4.5 times (total approx 9 km, ), climbs 2 x 100-steps stairs. Tough!

Quotes from Grey's Anatomy

"At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, it's usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them. The people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need."

Question to self: What would make a person stick around even though he is greatly hurt?

"The point is we can't help who we fall in love with"

"Even now, I believe that for the most part, love is about choices. It's about putting down the poison and the dagger and making your own happy ending...most of the time. And sometimes, despite all your best intentions, fate wins anyway. "

"You know as well as I do it's not about what you look like, or your job, or how successful you are. It's about having people in your life that you love and who love you...that's all that matters."

Queentown Stadium Run

#!@#$##!!! KNN! Instead of Delta Sport Complex, we run to Queenstown Stadium. In the stadium, another 1.2km x 4 set, and then run back. A total of approx 13 km. I am totally exhausted now, was not mentally prepared for the distance. As I run, I wished I have this song to cheer me. Got to find/bring a music device for running.

Its end tonight (acoustic) - All American rejects

Habitat for Humanity

Bedman Henry Hutabarat is building his home for his family of 4. His oldest child is 11 year old, second child is 9 and the youngest is just over 2 years old. He works as a driver while his wife is a homemaker (right with youngest child, left is Henry). His home is in Indonesia, Batam (Google map here).



His house costs S$3K and will take 4 years to pay back. The money will then goes towards building another home for another family in the neighborhood.

Each week, a different group of volunteers from Habitat for Humanity will arrive and do whatever necessary towards finishing the house. Depending on the stage and state of the construction, they could be transporting bricks using human chain, straightening scrape metal for wire-fountain, digging holes or laying bricks.

When I was there in the 1st week of Sept, we moved bricks, broke and leveled earth and laid bricks. The perspiration we left there was very meaningful as we can see our efforts making an impact even thou it was back-breaking labor intensive work. For me, there is a sense of achievement mixed with educational feeling attached to the time spent there.

Build - Housemartin

Telok Blangah Hill Run

A picture paints a thousand words. Tuesday running route. :) Started from Mt Faber SAFRA and run 5 loop (Green is start point and Red is end point) Total approx distance is 6 km.

A moment in time

P looked so much better, time away restored her to how I remembered her during uni (I would say even better). Over at Food Republic, we exchange laughters, traded stories and shared life scars like it was just yesterday when though we last met in HK end-Jan 2007.

That Sunday shared together is a good memories for me and like personal stories to be told, she is still searching for the right way to tell her personal tale of how she landed herself into another continent and of the rainbow she looking for.

As we parted, I felt very heart warming and joy to see the distance and time in a funny way enchanted our friendship. I wishes P happy searching and look forward to hearing her tale.

ps: I forgot to tell her using bf as a reason is getting a bit stale. ;P

Rainbow connection - Kermit

imeem

Music / songs is a integral part of my life, it soothes and relaxes me. I can remember growing up, listening to my parent LP records (they are in my house somewhere) being played in a big music box (It was the size of a cabaret). When the music box spoiled, the radio took over to keep me company in the lazy afternoon of my secondary school days.

And I loved the days when I installed a Bose sound system with NAD amplifier into my hostel room. The acoustic was pure joy to the ear. I was in audio heaven and my pride sparked off a competition among my hostel mates to get their own better HiFi sets. :)

When I started working, the most loved purchase I had was a pair of PSB Image 1B speakers paired with NAD 320BEE integrated amplifier with NAD CD player 521i. (Yes, they are outdated now but they served me well.)

Today, I discovered imeem, an online audio streaming which allows me to embed audio track in my blog entries. I chose tracks whose lyrics and melody conveys the right mood and feeling matching the entry I write.

The track in this entry is used during the warm up routine during my gym classes. Its easy slow rhythm is very suited for the stretching. I am very surprised when I discover the lyrics is about a guy tormented by a unfaithful gf and wishing her to suffers the same fate. It would been very relevant in some of the older blog entries. However, I learned to be more forgiving and to let go.

What goes around comes around - Justin Timberland

A sad tale

Dear Princess's tears could not run dry as she struggles with the deep, sharp, hurting pain in her heart. Hearing her asking why the one she loves chose another over her resonate with the familiar lost, confused and sad feelings I known recently.

Her story is a familiar , helpless and painful tale of how the one lost do not admits to his contribution to the un-reunited love and even push the blame back. The unfair comparison of her against the other person, which generates so much anger and confusion, are feelings I can understand and empathize with. The sadness part for me is knowing that it would not help her to find her balance if I say for he had shown he is not mature nor honest nor brave person enough to work it out for her. Her cries shows a part of her heart still beats for him.

It is always so hard to let go of a love so treasured. Hearing this tale so close to my own, shows that for all I had felt, my tale is not a unique story, and that I am not alone in the world with the pain and sense of lost. For out there in the world, someone else may be sharing a similar sad tale with a friend.

They say time heals all wounds and letting go takes time. I found the following paragraph speak so accurately about how much time is needed:

"What we do know is that letting go usually takes time, and that it is rarely a simple journey. It's not easy to find a place where you can set free the pain, or shame, you carry from your experiences. A place where you can tell the story differently in your head - where you can relinquish the role of victim or villain, and give yourself and the other person roles that are more complex and liberating. A place where you can accept yourself for who you've been and who you are.

If someone tells you that you should have gotten over something or someone by now, don't believe it. Believing there's some appropriate time frame for getting over something is just one more way to keep yourself stuck. But neither should you believe that there's nothing you can do to enable yourself to let go, or that it just takes time. There's plenty you can do to help yourself down that road." [Difficult Conversations]

Such is the love - artist unknown.

Mt Farber Run

Yesterday, I decided to go running around Mt Farber with members of a running club. They belongs to the Sarfra Mt Farber Running Club. A friendly bunch of people who welcomed newcomers, like me, into their running activities. By chance, I was happy to see some of my friends there, who are training up for the StanChart marathon. Partly because of the people and the run, I decided to go for 21 km StanChart marathon.

The run was tough, I completed 3 of the 5 loop around Mt Farber because I do not want to stress my knees too much. During the loop, discovered there a new eatery/coffee place near the top which I will investigate more in the future. It open air and nice location looks good for dating. :)

No Doubt - Running

fishy stories

She said it is not possible for early release even after I finished all outstanding tasks because I initialed the official resignation. Then, she told my recruitment agency the same story but with the reason that there are many outstanding tasks. To me personally, she said it might be possible IF I have found another job.

When I asked for time off to attend interviews (I work back the time by working back the hours) and I will arrange the interview so that its do not crash with the current team work, she said will be case by case basis and cannot be too often. Then, she told the agency that it is not possible for time off.

Sometime fishy here, her answers dun connect well. On one hand she said time off cannot be too often and then yet agree to early release is possible once I finished all tasks. I dun trust her. Once I finished my outstanding task (by next week) I will go straight to big boss and ask for early release (if there no more work to do). I have nothing to lose if he say no.

Thank You

Its very touching to hear the kind and caring words from you, my dear readers. Its make feel less alone in this learning period. To share some good news, there are interviews coming my way and hopefully they will lead to concrete offers. Thank you for being with me. :)

So it came to this

The worst came. They told me that they do not need my services anymore. They put it across as an option for me to leave voluntary or be terminated. I chose a graceful exit for better explanation in my career. In a certain way, I am happier for this outcome. There a more certain future which is now under my control again. The future may be uncertain but there will be work for a person with 2 arms and 2 legs. :)

ps: There must be something right that I am not doing right. :)

Breathe - How can I fall

2007 review

This year been pretty tough, both career and love life. Looking back, I may have been too confident and sure of myself on the decisions I make. Like a inexperienced youngster daring to take on the world. And how the cruel world discipline me on the many life lessons. I must remember them.

It is strange that I once thought that both the ex company and my ex are the ONE for forever. I can remember telling myself so, especially the word "She the one" appeared in my head when I first saw her. And yet today is so different. I no longer with that company and I no longer with her now. Looking back, there must be a consistent thread to be found across all the dis-hearting episodes on my year 2007 life.

Frustration in work will cause stress in me and make me shut down as i struggle to comprehend to find the cause. Now, I must not let work problems affects my identity and self-esteem and remember it is always a contribution of the parties involved. To increase my radar sensitivity and be on my guard, I will remember the cruel methods and behaviorisms of those bad bosses I encountered this year. I now know my work life influences my love life heavily. At least, its not work that was the cause.

A friend taught me this about choices in life, use one criteria in determining the next step when facing a fork in the road ahead. And in the weeks ahead, I see another fork coming and this time I must be careful and decides on the one criteria to use.

This year is tough and keep telling myself to see from a future self; What advise would a future me tell myself today?

Rihanna - Dont stop the music

He spoked

Big Boss called for a team meeting and updated everyone on the next steps in the new project. I expects him to talk about the new team structure and about my predecessor coming back. I felt he did not approach the subject of what happened to me directly. I felt he dropped 2 hints indirectly on it.

He started off speaking how difficult it will be to work with the vendor for the new project. And he said if anyone who do not wish to work with the vendor, can approach him directly and he would assign him to another area in the office. [Hint #1] On the same sentence, he said everyone in the room is too valuable and there will work to be found.

Then, he mentioned how two new position will be created and they will report to him directly. My predecessor will take one of the new position ("Technology Manager") because everyone respects him for his expertise [hint #2, indirectly saying I do not have the team respects].

In summary, he is saying everyone is valuable and the predecessor is coming back because he represent the best choice to bridge between the team and the project. I respect and admire Big Boss manner of conveying the hidden messages. Here is a lesson I can copy from.

Looking back on how I could not earn the team respect, could be due to the lady boss treatment towards me. The team simply mirror the way she does not show me respect for my technical decision. There many examples. That my side of the story.

Now, it was for me to pin-point exactly when she started doing so and how I contribute towards it even though she is a bad manager. So that I can learn a lesson from it.

Today meeting may have secure my immediate future for the next few months. But looking into the future, I wonder what will be chemistry with lady boss and the predecessor in the team. I know the lady boss respects the predecessor. The question is how the lady boss will decide if I disagree with the predecessor technical decision. It may not be in an objective manner given she have sided with other against me before on non-objective basis.

Guess my decision to continue looking out will be a wise one.

Waiting

For two days, lady boss is not in office due to sickness while Big Boss have returned from his trip. I wonder if they have confirmed the new team structure. I have expects them to give me one month notice because there cant be 2 person playing the same role. I am planning for the worst outcome while hoping for the best. The next possible outcome will be they serves notice to me after the predecessor starts working. With these outcome in mind, its allows me somewhat a peace of mind, thou the daily work routine is getting harder to bear.

And it is kind of strange to observe the behavior of those who knows my predecessor is returning and yet do not know that I know they know. And it provided me a real advantage to really to observe how genuine they are in their dealing with me.

A kind workmate once told me before not trust anyone in the workplace, even bosses and colleagues. I did not believed her completely because I did not had such experience yet. Till this recent events, it really hit home how true and prophetic her words are.

As long these events does not kill me, it will make me stronger and tougher.

Keane - Everybody changing

This old feeling

I cant believe it. This old feeling of dreading going back. This feeling is the same feeling I had when I need to report back to camp during my army days. Then, it was the feeling of knowing the week ahead is just to burn time and awaits the next book out.

Gosh! This time is about going back to work and awaiting for the weekends! This is no good. I have must think positively and plan out my week ahead so that I will be bored.

2 head but one hat

Come to think of it, I could not find a good reason why she told the team first and then informed me much later that my predecessor is rejoining the company. Shouldn't I be first to be informed so that I can hold up my dignity when the news goes to the people, and that I will not be shell-shocked together with the crowd.

As to my question to her whether there enough same hat to 2 head, she replied the new role and responsibilities among the team is pending big boss approval. And when asked about how did the predecessor was able to come back, she replied she cant inform me about the rational and not even the reason for not able to tell me about the rational. She keep pushing it back that the big boss needs to decides her recommendation.

Gosh, really what happened today may be a good thing after all since it is obvious she is not objective enough and sensitive enough.

Thinking even further, her early attempts to take over my role during the presentation to enterprise architect and when her words does not match her action should have make me watch my steps that she is playing games around me. I should paid more attention to the alarm bells that ringing off in my head. Again, another lesson learned and this time is about not trusting even your own boss.

So it is time again to start looking out for a new job.

It will be Red in color.

PZY got a new car, a Honda Civic, and I must say looks much better than his previous car. It's dark black color and aggressive front fits PZY image perfectly. A good example of the car matching the owner.

It was not his new car that got me interested in getting myself one. I called him up to catch up with him and to get some tips on car buying. As my first criteria for getting a car is status, he proposed the choice of Honda Civic or Toyota Corrolla Altis for the look. Over the past few days of spying every cars that drive past me, I must say I agreed to his proposal. Both cars add a status symbol to the owner. And regardless of the final model, I have decided the color to be red.

And is left for me to do some leg walking and examination of what else is left out in my evaluation.
:)

Wiener Kaffeehaus

We sat on the 2nd floor of Wiener Kaffeehuas, a tiny converted old shophouse hidden away in cantonment road. Its wooden wall with Austian decor creates a cosy feeling of another world that sheild the people inside from the noisy and hectic Singapore traffic outside. Overall, it creates a impression that say "came and stay, relax and escape from the world outside"

We have its daily set lunch which was very delicious, personally I feel value of money. We agreed that it is a good place for dates. Like what an old wise man say to me, all relationship are fated. If I do not know when I suddenly to alighted and walked a distance to Amara Hotel bustop to take 145, I would not had be reunited with LSL. Life is sometime funny and wonderful.

And thou it was a quick and short lunch, in a insight, I finally learned that female tends not be honest about their preferred preferences even though it was so obvious. And I am starting to suspect the reason why. But it will be too proud for me to say now.

Desiderata

My dearest favorite sweetest aunt in the world sent me this card. It arrived in the mail the week before. She been a aunt agony to me since I was young and always been there for me, mothering me always. :)

Thank you!

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms
with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain
or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons
than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full
of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full
of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and
disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the ears, gracefully surrendering
the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you
in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark
imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You
are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to
you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him
to be, And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy
confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a
beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Childhood friend

Last Monday, 30-07-2007, I met up with Huat Sing, a long lost childhood friend.  When our age are less than 10, we went to the library together, our mum cooked noodles for us to eat when we are at each other houses, and generally we played together.   He was my best pal then.  We started drifted apart when we were in secondary school.  I guess the reason was much of my own doing as I started to had  different interests from him.

Meeting up with him again bring me back to my childhoods.  He is still tall, married with 2 sons and looked fine and healthy.  He found me via Friendster and it was really a wonder that we are connected again.  We had chicken rice lunch at Deport Road, chatted over what happened in our lives, how NS changed us, what happened to us after O levels, where our career are going and chatted about our love life.  

He achieved much thru persistence and hard work to reach where he is now and I admire him for it.  And when we parted, even thought I sensed that it will be a while before we meet up again because of the different stage of life between us, I will make effort to keep in touch with him, for he represents a page from my past when life is gentler, much happier and very care-free.

Chapter Closed

One chapter of my life finally closed today. From today, its no longer hold me back. I am able to see with a clear conscious that I did no wrong in the past that I should owe up to. A betrayal warrant the response I gave and it is justifiable.

All relationship are fated. They starts and ends when it is destiny calls.

Good Girl Gone Bad - Rihanna

Glossolalia (Speaking in tongues)

Rev Dr Richard Roberts provides a good explanation to a matter which I was puzzled and uncomfortable with, that is speaking in tongues. To me, a person speaking in tongue is more lunatic cos there no ones to translates what he is saying.  No-ones will not know if there is message in it at all. 

As I watched the City Harvest internet feed of its worship last Sunday, he educated me on that it is the Spirit in the person that is speaking when a person speaks in tongues.  To make the mind understand the Spirit words, he encourage the speaker to speak in his own languages after speaking in tongues so that his mind understands what God is saying.  Let the first words that came flows out, he encouraged.  As he explains it, it make perfect sense to have the speaker explains what he spokes in tongues.  Let the person mind understand what the Spirit is saying.

ps:  Luckily I did not travel all the way to Expo because my nose ran faster in the afternoon. :>>

Legs still aching after passion

Joined W and SL for the East Coast Passion Run last Sunday (08-07-2007). I clocked 01 hr 02 min 53 sec for 10 km run. It was a nice change for Sunday. EC was quiet and full of breeze that day.

Before the run:




After the run:

One very expensive coffee

This was a very sweet and expensive coffee. It called Azuni and it costed me $7.50. I drank it last Saturday because I needed a drink and had 1 hour to spare before my next appointment. Sweet and nice. It kept me awake till 1am that day.

The longest time

It was the longest time, a period where I am confused and not sure of how I landed myself in today job situation, now I can pin pointed the exact moment to July 2006. Then, I should have force myself to take a good rest to recharge and absorb the prior experiences.

Instead, I accepted a project assignment with a new boss and a new environment. From then, when my role did not align with my value of taking ownership and responsibility, it bring more tiredness and confusion to my already fatigued stressed out mind.

The subsequent events that followed did not allow me to follow up on my deep subliminal desire to rest. And the outcome is what I am not proud to repeat and tell others.

What would have happened if on July 2006 I decided to rest? I might still be at CSA and would not have learned what I had learned from than till now,
to learn how to appreciate a good boss,
to learn what is bad boss,
to learn there is a world beyond vendor environment,
to learn that I always seek responsibility,
to learn that I need to find the lost positive altitude I have
to learn to take time off to rest and absorb learning experience when I am fatigued.

Knowing now the cause helps to put to rest the doubts I have about my ability. Its adds a sense of confidence and self-esteem into me and helped me to recognize the "bottleneck" in my career which I must plan to overcame.

:)

Wind in my Hair

The ships at the distance, blinking and dancing in the dawn light of East Coast is a very pretty sight. I wished I have blade to the other end of East Coast, that will make a good workout.

People traffic is minimal and most important of all is there no children running about. Today is a different Wednesday. :)

ps: I must get myself a pair of hand guards.

Life is series of script

In my last post, I talked about life is not a series of scripts, like
the movies, to follow. I needs to be corrected. Life IS a series of
scripts that people follows, it is whether a person see/knows the
script. To be precise, it is whether a person have the experience to
sense/detect/read the script (i.e. situation) and responds in a way
such that the other party follows without knowing.

My change of mind came from conversation I have with a friend over
coffee and a article I read today (see below).

(# is the original questions, apologies for the original question as
they are more IT related, my attempt at a non-IT version are written
below.):

--------------
Taken from <a href="http://duckdown.blogspot.com/2007/06/interviewing-strategy-for-outsourcing.html">Interviewing
Strategy for Outsourcing </a>

# Which do you prefer: manifest or latent types? Why?
Which do you prefer, clear instruction or general guideline? Why?

# What commenting style do you think is appropriate? Why?
What speaking style do you think is appropriate? Why?

# What sort of documentation artifacts do you like to produce? Why?
What sort of drawings do you like to produce? Why?

# Do you think exceptions are good, or bad? Why?
Do you think not following the law is good, or bad? Why?

These questions will tell you a lot. A fresher won't understand many
of the questions. A bullshit artist will answer "It depends," and grin
"knowingly". Another kind of bad prospect will be opinionated but
can't defend their arguments cogently. A good prospect might say, "It
depends," and then set up contrasting scenarios.

--------------------

The answer tells me a lot about the person knowledge and life
experiences. Taking the principle further, the manner of asking can
be used in variety of situation and scenarios other than IT.

Movies, TVs....

In my youth, I read somewhere about how our current Prime Minster, LHL, do not allows his children to watch TVs but ask them to read the newspaper only. I forgot the reason and logic behind his rule but I understand why he does it now.

This recall came to my mind when I realized what I watched in movies and TV are not true representation of real life. They should be taken as a suspension of reality that does not depicts accurately real life in them.

I am not talking about the plot and how everyone knows movies/TV are just not real. I talking about but of the way the actor/actress played and interact with each other in the depiction of the story. The seduction is that their lines and interaction is a mirror of real life, by its very nature allows everyone to follows the script, which here lies the fallacy that it can be believed because it is so familiar. Familiar because the essence and theme is found in very every movie. For movies follows a stereotype script that everyone been "trained" to know how a start reached the end, all within that 2hr of movie magic time.

I am saying all this because I am starting to realized how dynamic and fluid is the complex world of middle and upper managements. Of how a simple sentence of spoken words can convey tons of meaning to the opposite party for interpretation, using it to influences and take advantage. Of why my current boss tell me that I am young.

Getting interviewed

I was interviewed back-to-back by 3 persons yesterday for one position. The position will be working with the 3 persons. A second round will be held with the hiring manager after the 1st round.

I look forward to the experience as it will give a good idea of what the work will be like and more about the people the position will be working with.

However, it was a tiring experience, the interviewers were not sharing information about the position and was trying hard to get into my head. There was no exchange of how the position will be working with them. They did not give me good vibes about how they want to work with the position.

Next time if I have the opportunity to do it for another company, if the interviewers repeat what I experienced, I will ask them how the questions help to develop the potential working relationship. Their answers will give them a chance to tell me if they are really political or not.

Good advise

Given a good advise today, "It is my responsibility to say out that I am being ignored". To take action for getting the other party to response to me and I will not quietly take being ignored.

Life Values

I realized now that it is very true that my life values will determine whether I am happy at work. Looking back at my days in a SI environment, my values of delighting the customer with superior solution conflicts with need to deliver the project on time at cost by delivering a just workable solution.

Now I understand it was not problem of me not suitable for PM role but that the role is in a environment that does not matches my values. It is not just government projects that disinterest me but any projects in an SI environment.

G helped me to arrived at the conclusion that I am not interested in government projects. It is only now that I realized it is really SI projects that is the problem.

It is obvious to me that I am much more capable for the current role in Chubb. So it is now a question whether I stay to savour the work/life balance or move on. Again, I need to think more and discover what I want.

Erasure - A Little Respect

New Office Location

Last week was my first week in the new office location. Traveling time is shorten to 20 min from 45 min. The office space is bigger and the ceiling is higher but my desk space got smaller. :(

Somehow, i missed the homely feeling of the old office. At the new place, I can go about the whole week without meeting any colleagues from the other end of the office.

The new location is painted bright with cheerful colors and I think the meetings room are decorated using inspiration from the different rooms at Ministry of Sound. All ideas cames from the BIG boss. :)

My front view



The quote at the far ends says: "The world is changing very fast. Big will not beat small anymore. It will be the fast beating the slow." Rupert Murdoch CEO News corporation

Main Conference room
Taken from the left side

Taken from the entrance


The meeting room near at the entrance:


Discussion room:

Gatsby

Learned a few new dance move from Takuya Kimura in his Gatsby commercial video. (In my opinion, a bit feminine) I simply loved the catchy tune used, it is taken from the song : The Stylistics and SMAP - Can't Give You Anything

Golden Miles Hawkers Stall

From June onwards, my company will be at Alexandra Technopark. I will miss the good food at Golden Mile Hawker Stall, it is located opposite Golden Mile Shopping Complex and houses the best hawkers food in Singapore. Testimonial to the good food is found in the numerous awards each stall displays proudly.

On the ground floor:

The stall I tried on my first day of work. Note the numerous awards and newspapers article on it. I had to wait 30 min for my food. In my opinion, it is nothing special.



The spicy spices is good along the nicely cooked chicken, served in wooden bowl. Recommend!

On the upper floor:


The pasta is good! This one must try, order with additional ham flak. Yummy!!!



Cheap and nice, comes in yam, peanut, green tea and sesame flavor. To try when not particular hungry days.



The prawn mee cames in bowl of rich prawn brew, served with big cut of meat with big prawns.



Each plate of is covered with kaylan that blends well with the delicious kway teow. Must try!




Most economical stall, 2 veggie and 1 meat and a big serving of rice costs $2.30. Food is normal standard.

View from 42 floor Concorde

Yawning

It's not good that I keep yawning during work and almost fall asleep today. Being a bit tired does not help and plus the task I am doing is not firing up my interest. I was inspecting VB source code in preparation for a presentation tomorrow.

This is dangerous sign that my current job is not challenging me. I must quickly decides where I want to go for my career.

Charade

He acted it out, shot her a look and immediately, she shouted the correct answer. Like a perfect team, they successfully won another of charade. Princess have a natural talent of playing the game of Charade correctly.

Compared to me, I performed poorly in this game. How do you played out the following words
1) Bambi
2) Cinderellas stepsisters

arrggggghhhhh. :)

The occasion was dearest Princess's cell group BBQ which she invited me. Her cell mates are a bunch of friendly, sincere and caring people who make me feel at home.

In certain way, the sharing of satay, stingray and coke, make me reminiscing about the past. The familiar sequence of games, food and sharing bring back memories. Thinking back now, I realized it is due the human chemistry between the group and I did not work in the long run. It always started well but somehow in the long run it never worked out. I suspect it is maybe I was a poorer communicator then. And my empathy skills needs more improvement and growth.

A person will always favors and consult with the people who can understand and communicated better with him.

My experience is God works in a way that make the person understands better. And I wonder what His message to me this time.

Life + work

"I wish I can be like you, easily contended" said me to A.

"No lai, you should now take this time to find challenges in life
rather then work. Go find a girlfriend." Answered A.

"Ha ha, ya is right. I will be very busy then if I have a
girlfriend." We both laughed together when I said that.

I know happiness came from both life and work. I have not balanced
the happiness I get from life compared to work. So if my current work
is not challenging enough, I should either find/make more challenges
in life than work OR find more challenging work.

However, A do agreed that a non-challenging work does not create good
prospect for better career advancement.

Shots

So he spread his arm wide and sway joyfully left and right, obvious to all in his drunken state, and I mirrored him, enjoying the perfect symmetry we created even though the floor is jumping from the loud music as we played this game.

C burst out laughing and turn her head away to escape the silly scene in front of her. My dance partner is a unknown short pinyo who happens to be sitting next to us.

Tia and WnG sat at their seat, happily moving to the music, happily preparing the shots that somehow was agreed upon to enjoyed by all without my agreement. Down 2, Down 2, Down 1 and Down 2 is the sequence of shots I took over a span of 15 min.

30 min later, the music is not that loud anymore, not so sure if it was the loud music that blasted me to deafness or the effects of the shots.

Another 30 min later, my ear scream in pain to any loud sounds. I escaped to the silent outside and sat down to recover some form of sanity, praying time will burn away the effects, and to really try feeling my head is connected to my neck.

By the time I touches my bed, the effects of the shots was in full force and it bring me into deep slumber very quickly. Moments before sleep took over, I wonder and remember how silly I must be in croaking out my address to the taxis driver, and somehow able to reach my floor only after successfully pressing my floor button after a few tries.

ps: Trance music is not my taste!
pps: My quota of clubbing of the year is fulfilled!

Dancing Queen

It was a sight to behold. A side of E that I have not saw before and she was so very happy doing it.

It happened during her birthday celebration. Even thought she she tries hard to resist, but the constant barrage of bday toasts is too many for her to reject all. (Btw, she escaped my toast of a glass of martini champagne to her.)

And when Abba 'Dancing Queen' starts playing, she sway, play, whirl and joul her fav dance partners to dance with her. And screamed she is THE dancing queen.

ps: I was told after I drank the martini champagne that it should made me drunk. (I think I am the type that can get high and not drunk.) The only side-effects so far is rashes over my body in the next few days. hmmm... maybe I should get drunk on my birthday and danced the night away. :)

pps: The view at the top of Raffles city is really beautiful.

Dancing Queen - Abba

Oops..I did it again

Ooops...I did it again, expressing my view in my tone and facial expression in my professional dealings. Gosh, I am be more self-aware and learn how to sound neutral in my speaking.


Erasure - A little respect

She is same age as me

"She is the same age as me" said me. ES immediately agreed that she is not capable. I am amazed that ES can pick up this signal from me so quickly and easily. It must be something in my tone and facial expression that allows her to read the meaning behind my words.

And this is a skill that I deem must pick up. The skill to read the meaning behind words is a very important. I believe it is easier for ladies to do this. :)

View from Concorde 33 floor

One view I see everyday from my desk.


The Singapore Eye from Conference Room.


Taken from conference Room. So toy like.


Simply Beautiful.

Different

It sure feels different, waking up on a early Sunday morning to run 10km. Up, down, around Mt Faber, pass my old primary school. And the sun only started really shinning bright and it not yet 12 noon when I had bathed, packed and completed the run.

It is a sight to see a crowd of old, young, middle aged runners climbing up Mt Faber and running around the estate. And it is inspiring to see fragile old man still pacing upward the hill when I had started walking to tackle it. Running is not just a physical activity but a mental one when the mind keep pushing and enduring every feet of the way, ignoring the pains in the legs that comes after running long distance.

On another note, even simple changes like alighting at a later bus stop and making a journey to the supermarket sure makes the day feel different. Breaking out of life daily rut sure make it feel more interesting and more accomplished.

Erasure - a little respect

Quotes

3 quotes that that strikes a chord within my heart as they came together and crystallize what I had observed about people and myself. Found 2 of them within a single article and the last from the movie Spiderman 3.

1) Winning doesn't teach, only losing does.
2) Eleanor Roosevelt once said No one can put you down without your permission.
3) Life is about choices.


Big big world - Emilia

melancholic

E commented that my entries have a melancholic vibe. Reading them again does prove her right. So I commit to myself to write more positive and happier blog entry starting from today! Here to more happier times!

Sexy love - ne-yo

Good person at heart

Boss needs to feel she is in control but the current work situation is more ambiguous than ever because the big boss have not really charted out his map in the terrain of his new direction.

Overall, I feel she is a boss who listens to her staff and help to work out their problems. She is a good person by heart. Maybe she will be a better boss by not flirting from idea to idea and not be too quick to make judgment. But who say bosses are prefect people who are able to handle all work problems and situation. It is my experience and from readings that higher bosses work in more ambiguous situation but yet must appear able in control and able to lead.

Therefore, time is required for us to find a work harmonious working relationship. Maybe I can make the relationship work better by remember she is learning along the way in this ambiguous situation.

Memorable Visit

S is the Enterprise Architect and he visited us over the weekend. It was a real eye-opening to see him in action, handling/reacting to my managers and Big boss queries and "traps".

Over the 2 days, my bosses presented the company project approach and fed him information constantly about the new company initiative. I assumed that he operated at a "high level" but he shows that he is able to get into details discussion.

I suspects he is hiding more than he is showing. He shown me how to be always be positive and make people feel at ease. He is non-confrontational and seek a ground that either answers in the positive or negative. I am learn from him this point, and it will be constant struggle for me because of my perfectionist nature.

You get what u give - New Radical.

No matter what the sunshine is

The reflected sun light from the opposite block is the same 10 years ago as it is now. Clothes on banbo pole are still flying in the same way in the wind as before. The same blight sun light is still shining clearly the inside of opposite home as before.

Why do my eyes do not see them the same as it was 10 years ago? What is different then? What have changed? Why do I see them always with a tingle of sadness? Is it the passing of tough stretching life experiences that caused this? Or could it be I always look at them after a passing of a period where my values system are tested?

I realized now that no matter what I have experienced and endured, it is a reminder of a part that is constant in my life. A reference from which I am able to compare what was before against what I have earn in life badges of stress, happiness and sadness.

Boyszone - No matter what

Her love was always conditional

From that moment that she told me her ex always keep in touch with her through out the day, for the times she show care only when i touches her heart, her love to me was alway conditional. And conditional love is never true love. Love is always unconditional, for it will always be there even if the conditions are removed.

I really liked her and my love certainly blinded me to this. It is only today that I realized this blindness in me. Time aways from it helps to clear away the fuzzy dovely blindness that prevent me to see clearly.

I should have known that she does not really loves me when she could not decides between me and the 3rd party. From that moment, it casts in the doubts and questions whether her past affections and actions are really sincere and true. Like a crippling sickness, the doubts creeps and snakes around what should be good memories and render them into falsehood and cynical dreams. For the one year together, nothing left but salt water and a hurting heart.

This episode pains me but I must remember the lesson I take away from this. There is fine line between what you can work together upon and when you decides it is not unacceptable. If there is no progress towards working to resolve a issue, it is time to decides if it means that it is not acceptable to me OR the other party is not giving in the required time and efforts.

Aztec Camera - How Men are

What kind of people work here

In one of the interview, the hiring manager is unable to describes the kind of people who worked in the company. I should have know that it is bad sign because
1) He do not know how to describe them. (Highly unlikely)
2) He do not want to tell the real truth.

In another interview, the manager was able to describe the two different group of people working in the company.

From these two experiences, I learned what to watch out for in the response of the manager. I will not join the company if its manager is unable to describes the kind of people because it a sign that he trying to hide something.

Aztec Camera - How Men are

GeoGreeting

Discovered a new way of sending internet greetings! Use the world landmarks to send messages!
See my greeting! Enjoy!

Aztec Carmen - How men are

How to manage your boss

I have problem handling aggressive people, especially aggressive uncommunicative boss. And it is proven that my patient logical analytical approach does not work with these type of people. Maybe, my past exposure to good communicative bosses did not prepare me well to handle these type of bosses.

A recruitment consultant shared with me his approach.
1) Speak to them privately. Make them understand how their action is causing conflict. Ask them to imagine how it will feel if they are in the receiving end of their own action.
2) Get a 3rd party involved if the message is not accepted.

The first point will always requires multiple attempts to break the boss/subordinates barrier. This is where I failed. I attempted once only. I should persist till the resistance wear down.

The recruitment consultant advise is a communication method to convey to a superior that his action is causing conflict.

I wonder how the relationship will improve once the approach is taken. I believe the human-to-human chemistry is difficult to change. Is the original cause of conflict a combination of poor communication and wrong chemistry? I sense so.


Kang Ta - Paralysis

Focus

I am having problems focusing on my tasks nowadays. I do not know why and I am not sure if this this problem occurred in the past before. In the past, I always seem to know where I going. I do not understand why my mind fleet from one activity to another, leaving uncompleted tasks hanging around. My mind is like an uncontrollable untamed wild beast roaming everywhere.

I must bring it under control else this endless time wasting fleeting from activity to another will not help me to reach what my objectives. Even now, as I am writing this post, I am distracted by others thoughts that came to my mind.

Could it be I have lost my compass, that I am aimless because I am unsure what my new direction in life is. Could it be that I have lost faith in myself and am no longer brave and daring to go forth? Or is it that I am tired from trying so long and still unable to find the happiness in my life from work and love. Or all of the above.

So I must
1) Find a new job that allows to collects inputs and be wholly accountable for the outcome and result.
2) Keep in touch with my friend and maintain the relationship.
3) Find my life partner who is caring.

The Rhythm of the rain - Cascade