I actually analyzed about 900 arguments last summer. With the help of the lab staff, I interviewed people about their fights—we saw them fighting in the lab and then outside the lab, and we talked about the issue. What we learned from measuring all these interactions is that most people fight about nothing. Their fights are not about money, or sex, or in-laws—none of that stuff. The vast majority of conflicts are about the way people in the relationship fight.
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"Something that’s been so hard for me to convey to the media is that trivial moments provide opportunities for profound connection. For example, if you’re giving your little kid a bath and he splashes and you’re impatient, you miss an opportunity to play with him. But if you splash back and you clean up later, you have some fun together and you both get really wet, laugh, and have a beautiful moment. It’s ephemeral, small, even trivial—yet it builds trust and connection. In couples who divorce or who live together unhappily, such small moments of connection are rare."
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He and his wife had a new baby and were fighting a lot. Then after work one day, he and his coworkers went out to celebrate a really successful quarter at the company. Everybody had a good time. People eventually started to go home, but this man and a female coworker lingered. They were talking about the excellent fourth quarter earnings, and she said, “You know, George, this is the happiest I’ve seen you in months.” Nothing untoward was happening, but he was enjoying the conversation in a way that he hadn’t with his wife in a long time. So on the way home, he thought to himself, “You know, we laughed and shared a lot, and it was kind of intimate, and I should really go home and say, ‘Nancy, I’m really kind of worried because I just had a conversation with a woman at work, and I felt closer to her than I’ve felt to you in months, and it scares the hell out of me, and we need to talk.’” But he knew exactly how his wife would react. She’d tell him to grow up and would say, “Hey, I have this baby sucking at my teats and now you’re being a baby, too. I don’t need this kind of crap from you, so just suck it up and get on with it. You’re a new father, and quit having those conversations with that woman at work.” So he decided not to share the experience with his wife because, he thought, “Nothing really happened anyway.” But something did happen, and now he’s got a secret. That’s the beginning of betrayal.
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What contributes to a successful long-term relationship?
Look for the positive in each other. Robert Levenson, of the University of California at Berkeley, and I are in the 18th year of a 20-year longitudinal study in the San Francisco Bay area. We have two groups of couples who were first assessed when they were in their forties and sixties and are now, respectively, in their sixties and eighties. The surprising thing is that the longer people are together, the more the sense of kindness returns. Our research is starting to reveal that in later life your relationship becomes very much like it was during courtship. In courtship you find your new partner very charming and positive. It was all so new then. You de-emphasized the negative qualities and magnified the positive ones. In the long term, the same thing happens. You say, “She’s a wonder woman. She can get us through anything.” For instance, my wife and I have just moved out of the house we lived in for 14 years, and she orchestrated the entire thing. She was amazing. My genius was to sit back and say nothing. In good relationships, people savor the moments like this that they have together.
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